Friday, May 15, 2009

Learning to breathe amidst the clutter

Sitting here paralyzed by a video I took last night.  Lily's dress rehearsal for her dance recital.  I can't stop rewinding.  I wasn't thinking and I ended up sitting on the wrong side to get the ending pose.  I can barely see the back of her head through the smiling happy faces of the other 3 ballerinas.  My heart aches to not have been able to share the vision of that moment.  Seeing that final expression on her face after months of practicing, living her dream.  I am currently contemplating breaking the rules by taping the ending during the real performance, from the other side!  Stuff like this sits like mold in my brain.  Causing the plumbing to back up.  Certain days I play over and over in my mind.  One incident that happened months ago still haunts me when I least expect it.  I chose to ignore a plea for help.  The plea was from someone that I was feeling wasn't worthy of my time, my help, my sacrifice.  I was dressed up, feeling pretty.  I didn't want to do anything that I thought would "dirty" me in any way.  How hypocritical of me.  To not help a fellow human being because I didn't want to get my hands dirty.  My home is currently in a state of utter chaos, dirty upon dirty.  I was asked for help and did nothing.  Instead I chose to watch from my high and mighty perch to see how it all played out.  That situation caused the person asking for help to feel shut out, unwanted by an entire community.  It caused my heart to feel more stained than I ever thought possible.  When did I become so cruel?  When did I stop caring?  When did I start believing that I am more valuable than someone else?  Is there forgiveness that can span the amount of dirt that I have shoveled upon my heart?   

I have recently begun reading a blog that sets my jealously all a flutter.  The words this particular blogger uses are like brushstrokes on a canvas.  Word pictures for the soul.  When you don't think that light could penetrate any further inside- it does.  It finds the parts that are dark, opens them up and heals them.  The words take you away to a place where pains are soothed- connects you back to the Savior.  I find myself gasping for breath when I read the entries.  Swallowing back the lump that has formed in my throat (partly because of my enlarged thyroid but mostly because of the process of tears forming).  I yearn for the wisdom that this writer has, the ability to affect, to find forgiveness.  Perhaps it's because my connection with my heavenly Father has been so short circuited recently on my part.  I yearn to have such faith.

How easy for me to somehow come up with a crazy system in my mind of how I measure up.  IF our home is clean and IF I make a meal, then I am worthy of my wife status.  IF I finish teaching my girls how to read, then I can claim my mom title.  Breathe, I tell myself.  In and out.  Keep at it.  Repeat.  Relish the moment.  The security I have in my Father.  My 8 year old ballerina has mastered the art of living in the moment.  Living to her is now.  Sure she looks forward to special days with anticipation but in the meantime it's all about what her hands are touching, her eyes are seeing.  A rock isn't just a rock to her.  It's a shape to be explored, maybe even painted or given away as a precious jewel.  A path is meant to be followed, a hill to be rolled down, a stream to be splashed in, a creeping crawling critter outfitted with a container for a home, sticks and all...  

Because it's mid afternoon and I haven't eaten a meal or done anything except write this entry, I need to leave you now but not until I type a few more words.  Words from another artist who inspires me.  

"There is Nothing" by Laura Story

Lord, I come before You to honor and adore You
For who You are and all that You have done.
Lord, I am not worthy; my heart is dark and dirty.
Still, somehow, You bid for me to come.

So clothe me, humility;
Remind me that I come before a King.

And there is nothing, there is nothing
More precious, more worthy.
May I gaze deeper; may I stay longer.
May I press onward to know You, Lord...

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