Thursday, November 26, 2009
This is the first in what may become a regular series for me. Me, how I am doing this minute. I was contemplating my honesty or rather my lack of being completely open since beginning this blog. I was looking backwards and thinking about how I always have to have everything perfectly worded, exposing only that which I want you to see, guarding what's close to my heart, not letting you see all the dirt, the grime. I wrap each writing up in a pretty little package, hopeful that I can just stare at that package and not have to open it up and painfully learn that nugget all over again... I have never considered myself to be a teacher- type but when I stumbled across Sara Groves describing her new album she summed up what I have been wrestling with these past few days.
"I tried not to teach on this album," she (Sara Groves) explains. "And I'm a natural-born teacher. I turn everything into a lesson--for myself, for the people around me. That's how I process my life, that's how I learn... I'm trying to be more confessional..."
Here I am itchy, rashed, and puffed all over, exposing my heart, my face. I am seeking not to process and come to the fairy tale ending, but to share today what pains me, what is breaking me down- how it is to struggle with only one shoe on not knowing when your prince will come and save you out of your misery.
Last month I went and had some allergy testing done. Found out I am allergic to dust mites. Not sure if that's what is causing the flare ups that I keep having. Seeing the layers of dust around here it may very well be... This last one began Sat. evening. First came the itch, then the swelling. Now I have a rash. I am on some medications but they are not helping. I repeat: THEY ARE NOT HELPING. I want to claw off my skin. It burns. This time around it's blistering. I am becoming frustrated dealing with the same things. Not knowing how it's all going to end. Test after test, prick after prick.
How ironic that when I am struggling with anger I pick up a book and start reading where I left off over a year ago only to find that the chapter deals with anger. How is it that when I finally sit down to process changes taking place all around me with neighbors moving and old comforts slipping away that just days afterwards I find myself working through a deeper process of change that I never saw coming? Familiar, well-worn friends no longer a major part of my story. Feelings of abandonment, mourning the loss of individuals who have listened to me as I shared my joys and offered me tissues when the sorrows swelled my eyes.
Looking for a friend: Someone who is easy on the eyes, laughs at what I find amusing and will be quiet and listen without interrupting or passing judgment whenever I need to talk. I will be terribly jealous if your house is bigger than mine but I still wouldn't mind being invited over once in awhile. I don't make conversation easily and depending on what mood I am in I may or may not want to answer your questions. I find that I am very manipulative and critical as well as controlling. I would appreciate you calling or emailing me just to see if I'm ok. I probably won't pick up the phone but just knowing that you thought enough of me to call would mean the world to me. For my part I will wear your hardships in my soul and rejoice when good finds a home with you.
Since this is "true confessions" I don't have an agenda for this writing, nor an ending point at which I will wrap it all up. I just have my mind and my fingers working overtime trying to keep up with my thoughts. When I can't sleep I write letters to people in my mind. Letters that never get written, but it sure feels good finally putting into words what I really want to tell others. Most of them are letters of encouragement telling individuals how they have blessed my life. After the letters are written in air I fall asleep, peacefully. Which reminds me, I still have half my thank you notes to write from my wedding gifts. Not sure if the grace period extends past 13 years.
Today I am weary. I am vain. I don't want to puff anymore. Today I am pained for a friend who is watching her father slip away. Today I am wondering how it is that I am so full while others are going to bed hungry.
"From This One Place"
I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry
took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams
from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
You can see something else
I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way
take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet...
~ Sara Groves