Friday, March 13, 2009

Why I do what I do

Below is a post that I wrote in March and the perfectionist in me said to wait and work on it some more.  Then the procrastinator in me put off  working on it for 2 months.  Finally the pride inside of me drifted away and said "this needs to be posted- don't delay".    

"Why do I pray- do I pray to say I prayed an hour?
Why do I love- do I want you beholden to me?
Why do I help- do I want to hear my name called?
Why do sing?
Search me and know my heart, oh God.
See if there is any wrong thing in me.
All I have really wanted are clean hands and a pure heart."

~Sara Groves (Know my Heart)

Above are lyrics from an artist that is dear to me.  That song reached into my core, especially so because I've made many of my ministries very open for public view!  Why do I do what I do?  Is it to be noticed?  To edify others?  To have people tell me that I am good at something?  To find worth?  All of these questions and more I am constantly seeking to answer, honestly.

Last fall when I was considering starting my own jewelry line I struggled with so many thoughts.  Do I really think that I am any good?  Would anyone buy anything?  I'm just putting stuff together, not even making anything from scratch, I'm not a true artist.  It was about that time that we headed out to see Michelle Tumes in concert.  Small, small church.  We sat maybe 6 rows back.  Beautiful, soft spoken Australian lady.  She is such an amazing song writer. Able to compose for an entire orchestra.  Such a person with her talent and here she was in a small church taking time to minister to me.  She has had her own struggles with sharing her songs publicly, wondering how people would view her music that she had poured her heart into.  Then she realized that it didn't matter.  This was what God had given her to do.  She had songs that she needed to share and opportunities eventually opened up for her to do so.

This encouraged me as I thought about my business, my writing.  I have such a need to share.  I am fearful at times that people will misunderstand me, my motives.  I am fearful that at times my motives aren't what they should be or that I will fail in someway.  The truth is I am terrified of opening myself up for public scrutiny.  I know others will see right through to my imperfections and question what right I have to serve.  I serve the Creator of the universe.  I truly believe that.  The Creator of the stars, the flowers, the fish in the sea.  Have you been to a pet store lately to see some of His unique creations?  

I believe that the desires I have in me to create are from Him.  I can't say that I "enjoy" the process of creating, of actually writing, or performing a song.  I tremble at the thought of standing before others ready to share my vision through song, at standing behind a table with my designs spread out for people to see, of organizing my photographs for others to view and even now sitting at a computer typing my rampant thoughts knowing they will eventually be read by another set of eyes.  I think surely there are others that do these things so much better, why do I spend my hours toiling away on what will not last?  There are days when I have to will my mind and hands to work... because I know the toll it takes on my body.  It takes work- most of it in my mind, pushing aside my fears.  Yet, it's what I am compelled to do.      

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