Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Passage of time
Another year, another candle to blow out. As is always the case around my birthday I start thinking about time. This week I took the kids with me to sing happy birthday to a friend turning 71. She was never married, has no children, though she still has many siblings left. She started with 11, down a few now. We got to talking about farms and tractors. She remembers a time when horses were used to work the fields. Change.
This summer has been filled with many changes. Most frustrating would be having our favorite restaurant changing owners. It was a place that Andy and I started going to years ago, to celebrate our marriage. Many memories in our almost yearly visits. I remember going there when I was days away from giving birth to our first-born. Special place. Only once did we take the kids there, to celebrate Andy's parents anniversary. Not fancy, yet special because of the many extra touches. You could get a bottle of birch beer, read the menu off a chalkboard, wonder if the chairs at the next table over in the checkered pattern were more comfortable than yours, then proceed to tug on the flowers to check their authenticity. Picked from a garden they were! Change will be taking place with the new owners, I'm sure of it.
"CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT"
Just a few days ago I discovered another familiar comfort gone. A favored entree taken off a menu. Then I went in to pick up some broccoli salad at the neighborhood grocery store. That too was gone, not being made anymore. When my brother was visiting he commented on his changing skin. What next? I am still getting used to my digital camera. The passage of time will ultimately affect change. Not sure if it's good or bad, perhaps only decided by our perception of it. With digital I can now take more, more, and more pictures. I don't have to dread reaching the number 36 and realizing that I am out of film. Now it's the batteries that I worry about...
Recently I heard my sister-in-law joke about how before she was married she spent more time with her husband to be than after they got married! Change. There are a few benefits of passing time. Diapers are no longer a part of my daily routine, nor trying to keep tiny hands away from every potential harm. I never imagined how I could love my children as much past the "cute" toddler stage. I'm finding that my love for them is growing even more as time lengthens their limbs.
JUST AS YOU DO NOT KNOW THE PATH OF THE WIND AND HOW BONES ARE FORMED IN A PREGNANT WOMAN, SO YOU DO NOT KNOW THE ACTIVITY OF GOD WHO MAKES ALL THINGS.
Time also has a healing factor to it. The pain doesn't sear as deep anymore when my memories of Jeff come up for air. I knew my life would change dramatically because of that accident. Almost 2 years have passed since that day. The day that I almost let bitterness take over my life. I knew at that moment that my husband would have to do more than his part to help keep the farm running. Time, giving me a different perspective. Time, allowing me to see the strength of my husband's character. Time, slowing eroding away all traces of bitterness.
I'm not sure if I will be able to go to a space that held many a memory of times gone by with the walls painted a different color, chairs that match and a menu that doesn't carry anything that resembles the last sandwich that I ordered (which was ham, turkey and cheese with bacon and apple slices that came with a caramel dipping sauce). Perhaps, just perhaps if I let myself, I may discover it to be just as special a place. Perhaps I will also learn something about myself in the process. A way to grow, to adapt- to not hold on so tightly to that which is no more. Maybe I'll even better learn how to embrace all that the passage of time has to offer. That which makes my heart laugh along with that which causes my arms to tremble.