Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Embracing the fire

I survived another day celebrating my birth.  It went more or less how I expected.  Moriah had her melt-down before I had mine.  Literally, the candle I placed on her part of the cake melted into a stream.  Then the sobbing began.  Andy tried to console her as I took pictures of the melted little smiley guy.    

All day the kids were asking when they could sing to me and eat the cake they had so lovingly made by themselves, from start to finish.  I finally partially consented.  I let them put the candles in the cake, early.  All 34 of them.  Well, only 30 to start with because Moriah didn't want anymore on the part of the cake that she had decorated.  She screamed as her siblings tried to poke them into her corner.  Caleb insisted through his restrained tears that the rest of the cake would crumble if the remaining few had to be put elsewhere.  I finally did manage to get permission for 2 more to be put in her corner.  I found spots for the other 2.  The cake did not crumble.

I have to wonder if part of Moriah knew what would happen.  The wax from the candles would melt, clinging to the icing.  Removal of the wax would then mean that part of the sweet goodness of icing attached to it would be removed as well.  Therefore, resulting in slightly less sweet topping for her to enjoy.  In the case of the melting smiley face it was quite a bit of icing that had to removed.  Maybe Moriah was trying to avoid the pain of losing something she viewed as good.  She had a perfectly frosted section of cake, untarnished by many holes and melted wax. 

How easy it is for me to resist giving over my stuff, myself, to be molded for a greater purpose.  How easy it is for me to want to hold on and naively pretend that this is as good as it gets.  To not see that I have become lukewarm in my faith...

Because you say, "I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing," and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see.

Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.

Revelation 3:17-19

I want to know that I am loved, as painful as it is.  I have learned that my Master and keeper of my days is shaping me with His fire.  If I knew how these last few years would have played out in my life ahead of time I would have said "no thank you".  No thank you to the lessons learned by trial.  No thank you to being burned.  No thank you to the hot wax being poured onto my soul, stripping away what I thought was good in my life.  It hurts.  

My youngest did a smart thing by requesting the least amount of candles to be placed into her part of the cake.  She did a brave thing by consenting to have more. 

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