Thursday, November 26, 2009

True Confessions: Part 1

This is the first in what may become a regular series for me.  Me, how I am doing this minute.  I was contemplating my honesty or rather my lack of being completely open since beginning this blog.  I was looking backwards and thinking about how I always have to have everything perfectly worded, exposing only that which I want you to see, guarding what's close to my heart, not letting you see all the dirt, the grime.  I wrap each writing up in a pretty little package,  hopeful that I can just stare at that package and not have to open it up and painfully learn that nugget all over again... I have never considered myself to be a teacher- type but when I stumbled across Sara Groves describing her new album she summed up what I have been wrestling with these past few days. 

"I tried not to teach on this album," she (Sara Groves) explains. "And I'm a natural-born teacher.  I turn everything into a lesson--for myself, for the people around me. That's how I process my life, that's how I learn... I'm trying to be more confessional..."

Here I am itchy, rashed, and puffed all over, exposing my heart, my face.  I am seeking not to process and come to the fairy tale ending, but to share today what pains me, what is breaking me down- how it is to struggle with only one shoe on not knowing when your prince will come and save you out of your misery.  

Last month I went and had some allergy testing done.  Found out I am allergic to dust mites.  Not sure if that's what is causing the flare ups that I keep having.  Seeing the layers of dust around here it may very well be...  This last one began Sat. evening.  First came the itch, then the swelling.  Now I have a rash.  I am on some medications but they are not helping.  I repeat: THEY ARE NOT HELPING.  I want to claw off my skin.  It burns.  This time around it's blistering.  I am becoming frustrated dealing with the same things.  Not knowing how it's all going to end.  Test after test, prick after prick.

How ironic that when I am struggling with anger I pick up a book and start reading where I left off over a year ago only to find that the chapter deals with anger.  How is it that when I finally sit down to process changes taking place all around me with neighbors moving and old comforts slipping away that just days afterwards I find myself working through a deeper process of change that I never saw coming?  Familiar, well-worn friends no longer a major part of my story.  Feelings of abandonment, mourning the loss of individuals who have listened to me as I shared my joys and offered me tissues when the sorrows swelled my eyes.  

Looking for a friend:  Someone who is easy on the eyes, laughs at what I find amusing and will be quiet and listen without interrupting or passing judgment whenever I need to talk.  I will be terribly jealous if your house is bigger than mine but I still wouldn't mind being invited over once in awhile.  I don't make conversation easily and depending on what mood I am in I may or may not want to answer your questions.  I find that I am very manipulative and critical as well as controlling.  I would appreciate you calling or emailing me just to see if I'm ok.  I probably won't pick up the phone but just knowing that you thought enough of me to call would mean the world to me.  For my part I will wear your hardships in my soul and rejoice when good finds a home with you.         

Since this is "true confessions" I don't have an agenda for this writing, nor an ending point at which I will wrap it all up.  I just have my mind and my fingers working overtime trying to keep up with my thoughts.  When I can't sleep I write letters to people in my mind.  Letters that never get written, but it sure feels good finally putting into words what I really want to tell others.  Most of them are letters of encouragement telling individuals how they have blessed my life.  After the letters are written in air I fall asleep, peacefully.  Which reminds me, I still have half my thank you notes to write from my wedding gifts.  Not sure if the grace period extends past 13 years.

Today I am weary.  I am vain.  I don't want to puff anymore.  Today I am pained for a friend who is watching her father slip away.  Today I am wondering how it is that I am so full while others are going to bed hungry.

"From This One Place"

I was about to give up and that's no lie
cardinal landed outside my window
threw his head back and sang a song
so beautiful it made me cry
took me back to a childhood tree
full of birds and dreams

from this one place I can't see very far
in this one moment I'm square in the dark
these are the things I will trust in my heart
You can see something else
something else

I don't know what's making me so afraid
tiny cloud over my head
heavy and grey with a hint of dread
I don't like to feel this way
take me back to a window seat
with clouds beneath my feet...

~ Sara Groves

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