Prepared for such a time

In the Lord of the Rings Frodo states his displeasure over having to be responsible for the ring, for having to play his part in destroying evil.  The path was hard and conflicting for him to travel on.  Frodo was afraid and wishes he'd never been chosen to destroy the ring...

"So do I", said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times.  But that is not for them to decide.  All we have to decide is what to do with the time given us."

Such simplicity in Gandalf's reply yet the the repercussions are numerous.  We don't have a choice at times what falls into our lap, whether hardships or blessings will enter our days.  We do have a choice though as to how to view our hardships and what our response will be.

I am currently struggling with a heavy burden upon my shoulders.  I am trying to figure out "community" and what that means to me, our church, and how I see myself fitting in to it all.  The whole realm of worship, encouraging, rebuking and uplifting other believers in the faith.  There is so much turmoil swirling about my church congregation.  In the midst of it is a broken Pastor who is filled with such anguish as to how to lead his sheep.  Through the chaos and confusion I find myself searching.  Searching my soul to see what church should mean to me.  Am I to give up a community that has been my home for 11 years because the unknowns are too hard to bear?  Should I move on because my eyes are tempted by all that glitters?

I have found myself longing, more than usual, wanting something more.  I weep for those who have left our small congregation.  I too have had those same thoughts over the years.  For many years now I have fought my own battles of the flesh, my desires, wanting to be worshipping in a place that offers me something different.  I am trying desperately to separate out what I believe are my worldly ambitions so that I can recognize them as being false gods.  There are days when I don't want to bend down and serve, to wash another's feet.  My flesh desires to be in a place where am I served, where my needs are met.  

Many questions have risen in my mind over the weeks.  Just because your weaknesses and faults are finally found out by others does that discredit you from serving?  How long before being given up on and others begin to call you unfit?  One of my many fears over the years is that it will be found out that I have a great, great many faults and I sin, over and over again.  Each time wanting it to be the last.  Praying that I will overcome my sinful nature.  At what number does a fellow believer come to me and say, "please don't sing again, your faults are too numerous."  My heart would be shattered to pieces.  Grateful, yes, that I could finally be open about the great sinner that I am but broken that I could no longer serve the God that I know with the voice that I know can only be from Him.

"Now therefore, fear the Lord and serve Him in sincerity and truth; and put away the gods which your fathers served... and serve the Lord.

If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve... but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

For the Lord our God is He who brought us up out of the land of Egypt... and who did these great signs in our sight and preserved us through all the way in which we went..."

Joshua 24: 14-17

I find that with each new trial that comes my way I can see how the Lord prepared me ahead of time.  When the trial has passed I can look back and see how I was carried through by His strong hand.  Even knowing that, I still don't like trials or seek them out if I can help it.  My initial response is to fight my reality by lashing out at others or running away and hiding.  When Andy's brother died I did not want Andy and I to be prepared to walk that path, yet we were and it happened.  As are the current struggles that fill my days, I don't want to come to grips with them, but I need to.  The Lord has been preparing me for such a time as this.  I have choices to make.  I could choose to act on my hurt and anger.  I could choose to run away to that which beckons my senses or I could stay and work to love my community.  I am working through what it is that I serve, whom I serve.  Is He worthy of my service?  Of forsaking my desires for His?  Yes, and He beckons me to come...

Choose

Let me be in love with what You love

Let me be most satisfied in You

Forsaking all the world has offered me

I choose to be in love with You

I will choose to be in love with You

Let me know the peace that's mine in You

Let me know the joy my heart can sing

For I have nothing Lord apart from You

I choose to call on Christ in me

I will choose to call on Christ in me

For in the fullness of who You are

I can rest in this place

And giving over this, my journey Lord

I see nothing but Your face

Let me know that You have loved me first

Let me know the weight of my response

For you have long pursued my wandering heart

I choose to glory in Your cross

I will choose to glory in Your cross

And I bow down...

Humbly I bow down...

My beloved- here I am

I bow down to you...

~Christy Nockels

Embracing the fire

I survived another day celebrating my birth.  It went more or less how I expected.  Moriah had her melt-down before I had mine.  Literally, the candle I placed on her part of the cake melted into a stream.  Then the sobbing began.  Andy tried to console her as I took pictures of the melted little smiley guy.    

All day the kids were asking when they could sing to me and eat the cake they had so lovingly made by themselves, from start to finish.  I finally partially consented.  I let them put the candles in the cake, early.  All 34 of them.  Well, only 30 to start with because Moriah didn't want anymore on the part of the cake that she had decorated.  She screamed as her siblings tried to poke them into her corner.  Caleb insisted through his restrained tears that the rest of the cake would crumble if the remaining few had to be put elsewhere.  I finally did manage to get permission for 2 more to be put in her corner.  I found spots for the other 2.  The cake did not crumble.

I have to wonder if part of Moriah knew what would happen.  The wax from the candles would melt, clinging to the icing.  Removal of the wax would then mean that part of the sweet goodness of icing attached to it would be removed as well.  Therefore, resulting in slightly less sweet topping for her to enjoy.  In the case of the melting smiley face it was quite a bit of icing that had to removed.  Maybe Moriah was trying to avoid the pain of losing something she viewed as good.  She had a perfectly frosted section of cake, untarnished by many holes and melted wax. 

How easy it is for me to resist giving over my stuff, myself, to be molded for a greater purpose.  How easy it is for me to want to hold on and naively pretend that this is as good as it gets.  To not see that I have become lukewarm in my faith...

Because you say, "I am rich, and have become wealthy, and have need of nothing," and you do not know that you are wretched and miserable and poor and blind and naked, I advise you to buy from Me gold refined by fire so that you may become rich, and white garments so that you may clothe yourself, and that the shame of your nakedness will not be revealed; and eye salve to anoint your eyes so that you may see.

Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline; therefore be zealous and repent.

Revelation 3:17-19

I want to know that I am loved, as painful as it is.  I have learned that my Master and keeper of my days is shaping me with His fire.  If I knew how these last few years would have played out in my life ahead of time I would have said "no thank you".  No thank you to the lessons learned by trial.  No thank you to being burned.  No thank you to the hot wax being poured onto my soul, stripping away what I thought was good in my life.  It hurts.  

My youngest did a smart thing by requesting the least amount of candles to be placed into her part of the cake.  She did a brave thing by consenting to have more. 

Passage of time

Another year, another candle to blow out.  As is always the case around my birthday I start thinking about time.  This week I took the kids with me to sing happy birthday to a friend turning 71.  She was never married, has no children, though she still has many siblings left.  She started with 11, down a few now.  We got to talking about farms and tractors.  She remembers a time when horses were used to work the fields.  Change. 

This summer has been filled with many changes.  Most frustrating would be having our favorite restaurant changing owners.  It was a place that Andy and I started going to years ago, to celebrate our marriage.  Many memories in our almost yearly visits.  I remember going there when I was days away from giving birth to our first-born.  Special place.  Only once did we take the kids there, to celebrate Andy's parents anniversary.  Not fancy, yet special because of the many extra touches.  You could get a bottle of birch beer, read the menu off a chalkboard, wonder if the chairs at the next table over in the checkered pattern were more comfortable than yours, then proceed to tug on the flowers to check their authenticity.  Picked from a garden they were!  Change will be taking place with the new owners, I'm sure of it.

"CHANGE IS THE ONLY CONSTANT"

Just a few days ago I discovered another familiar comfort gone.  A favored entree taken off a menu.  Then I went in to pick up some broccoli salad at the neighborhood grocery store.  That too was gone, not being made anymore.  When my brother was visiting he commented on his changing skin.  What next?  I am still getting used to my digital camera.  The passage of time will ultimately affect change.  Not sure if it's good or bad, perhaps only decided by our perception of it.  With digital I can now take more, more, and more pictures.  I don't have to dread reaching the number 36 and realizing that I am out of film.  Now it's the batteries that I worry about... 

Recently I heard my sister-in-law joke about how before she was married she spent more time with her husband to be than after they got married!  Change.  There are a few benefits of passing time.  Diapers are no longer a part of my daily routine, nor trying to keep tiny hands away from every potential harm.  I never imagined how I could love my children as much past the "cute" toddler stage.  I'm finding that my love for them is growing even more as time lengthens their limbs. 

 

Ecclesiastes 11:5

JUST AS YOU DO NOT KNOW THE PATH OF THE WIND AND HOW BONES ARE FORMED IN A PREGNANT WOMAN, SO YOU DO NOT KNOW THE ACTIVITY OF GOD WHO MAKES ALL THINGS.

Time also has a healing factor to it.  The pain doesn't sear as deep anymore when my memories of Jeff come up for air.  I knew my life would change dramatically because of that accident.  Almost 2 years have passed since that day.  The day that I almost let bitterness take over my life.  I knew at that moment that my husband would have to do more than his part to help keep the farm running.  Time, giving me a different perspective.  Time, allowing me to see the strength of my husband's character.  Time, slowing eroding away all traces of bitterness.

I'm not sure if I will be able to go to a space that held many a memory of times gone by with the walls painted a different color, chairs that match and a menu that doesn't carry anything that resembles the last sandwich that I ordered (which was ham, turkey and cheese with bacon and apple slices that came with a caramel dipping sauce).  Perhaps, just perhaps if I let myself, I may discover it to be just as special a place.  Perhaps I will also learn something about myself in the process.  A way to grow, to adapt- to not hold on so tightly to that which is no more.  Maybe I'll even better learn how to embrace all that the passage of time has to offer.  That which makes my heart laugh along with that which causes my arms to tremble.

Moments

Pictures.  I take so many.  I'm not really sure why.  The ones taken with 35mm film sit silently in boxes, rarely opened to see daylight.  The digital forms that I have are waiting patiently on memory cards to be rediscovered, placed on our computer for viewing pleasure.  A couple of times I have gone through the process to get tangible prints, not often though.  That's alright.  It's not really the end result that I so crave.  It's the actual moment itself.  I once read somewhere that to create a lasting imprint in your mind of a moment you need to focus on that moment for a specified matter of seconds.  I must not have focused too long on what I was reading because I forget how many seconds were needed for the moment to become lasting in your mind...  Hummm.  I love the above moment captured on camera.  We had just picked up Caleb from his week at camp and Riah was showing him the new space in her mouth.  I remember being so incredibly full of joy to all be together again.  So thankful for taking the time to imprint it in my mind.  It brings back how misty eyed my 10 year old son was when I held him under my arm after being out of touch for 5 days.       

Once I thought my camera was lost along with pictures that I would never have a chance to relive.  For the days that I thought it was lost I retraced in my mind all the pictures that I had taken recently.  I jotted them all down.  After finding what I thought was lost I quickly viewed all of the pictures.  Amazingly all of them were what I thought they would be.  I hadn't missed a one.  It was then that I realized that my memories were made and stored only by the time that I had taken to treasure them.  I learned this lesson well by watching my father.  He has spent his lifetime behind many a lens.  He is fascinated by the wonders of this world and has chosen to capture it through a viewfinder.  He may be the last one to exit a trail in the woods and you may even think yet once again you have lost him for good in a crowd- but it's OK.  His family that knows and loves him wouldn't have it any other way.  He continues to delight himself in the here and now so that we can all share in his memories.  And perhaps if we are lucky we too can catch a glimpse of his awe for the wonders of God's creative genius.  

I may leave my house without my lip gloss or even my wallet, but you will never find me without my camera.  I need all the help I can get to remind me to slow down, to savor time, to create a memory.  Life is so very fleeting.  But then again, I didn't need to remind you of that.  

I am choosing to get both feet wet

 

by jumping in and FEELING every moment 

and seeing how they shape me

and where they may take me.

Lyrics from a song that Michael Card wrote for his children that echoes my heartbeat:

Reject the worldly lie that says,

That life lies always up ahead,

Let power go before control becomes a crust around your soul,

Escape the hunger to possess,

And soul-diminishing success,

This world is full of narrow lives,

I pray by grace your smile survives.

For I would wander weary miles,

Would welcome ridicule my child,

To simply see the the sunrise of your smile,

To see the light behind your eyes,

The happy thought that makes you fly,

Yes, I would wander weary miles,

To simply see the sunrise of your smile.

Now close your eyes so you can see,

Your own unfinished memories,

Now open them, for time is brief,

Andy you'll be blest beyond belief,

Now glance above you at the sky,

There's beauty there to blind the eye,

I ask all this then wait awhile,

To see the dawning of your smile...

Thankful my Father chooses to love

Currently in an angry phase.  Not sure what started it.  It may have been my nearly new sandals not selling on Ebay, again.  All I know is the anger came and has yet to leave.  A few weeks ago we decided to attend a soccer game.  A young friend we know from church was playing.  On the way to the game we were going to stop by the store to freshen up my jewelry display.  This turned into the first of a string of yelling days.  I didn't realize until getting into the car that Andy needed to buy staples to finish off a display item and according to my time frame this would make us late.  If you know me at all, I do not enjoy being late.  Even thinking about the possibility that we would be late was enough to boil me.  I was running on toxic anger fumes.  I kept inhaling and decided I didn't want to replace the filter.  I chose to remain in my state of anger.  

We got to the store with the staples.  Almost to a parking spot but not before a man with a really long cart decided to cross our path.  This man had lumber sticking out haphazardly with little plants precariously perched on top of his really, really long cart.  He didn't know that it would have been best for him to have remained home that day, according to my anger meter.  Andy, being the gentlemen he is waved him on to cross in front of our vehicle.  I was thinking that the man would quickly wheel on out to his car never to be seen again.  Wrong.  We spotted an open spot two rows over.  This happened to put us in route to following this man and his cart.  At a snails pace we trailed behind him hoping to reach the spot before someone else did.  Just about there and the cart stopped right in front of us.  For some reason the man decided to leave it 2 parking places down from his vehicle in front of the only open spot for as far as the eye could see.  He then proceeded to open up his trunk.  Waiting we were, fake smile plastered on my face as I gave him the courtesy "take your time- it really is OK- I understand you have a lot going on at the moment- really don't need to get into the store at all today" look.  Not sure if it was my anger that fueled us but we did end up eventually getting to the game on time.

Today there is anger as I am yelling at the kids to find my bathing suit top.  It's not a bikini top mind you.  I'm hoping I cleared that up before your mind decided to entertain you with the vision of me in a little string thing.  This is the full coverage deal.  Seeing as the house is still pretty trashed, bins of clothing toppled out everywhere- the odds are pretty good that the top got tipped out of it's storage place at some point and time.  I have the girls to thank for that.  Earlier today Lily came down with a skirt on that she wore when she was a baby.  Andy feeling vindicated as he says "see, I told you that was too big at the time".  The girls like to dress themselves up along with dressing up anything that's stuffed or has movable parts.  Angry again I did get when I realized that I was to blame.  They destroy.  I get weary of helping them pick up the pieces.  So thankful that my heavenly Father does not grow weary of me.  Swimming I may not be tomorrow as the top has so far not surfaced.  Practicing a spirit of gentleness towards my children who share in my imperfections, I will be.  At least that is my goal...

Beauty in the everyday

I gave it up.  Spent months following a plan.  Never allowing it to be fully realized, the potential it could have held for me.  Feeling sorry for myself, wanting desperately to be able to rely on processed foods, the ease of picking something up to eat.  Hungry all the time, fearing I would start to resemble a nut.  I don't know when it happened.  Slowly, other foods crept in.  I gave myself permission to "just this time" eat something forbidden.  Here I am again.  Back to a place I didn't want to find myself.  Eating to my hearts content.  No self control.  Filling up til I'm beyond full.  I like feeling full.  Even though it makes me sick.  Back to thinking that it's just too hard to live otherwise.  And then my thoughts are drawn to a friend who laid his 46 year old son to rest last week.  

For 46 years my friend and his wife cared for a child that couldn't care for himself.  Year after year he was asked when they would be putting their son into a home.  List after list they placed their needy child on.  Time after time this child's name would rise to the top.  The answer given was always the same, the parents would say "not now".  Looking in from the outside it seemed an insurmountable burden to bear.  Caregivers needed round the clock for this child turned grown man.  

My friend now weeps daily for the loss of the presence of his child.  His one child that never left home.   I thought it would be a burden he would be able to give up willingly when the time came.  Freedom to not have to make plans around caregivers schedules.  Yet my friend so misses his son who could light up a room with his smile, though he comprehended little he gave much life to those around him.  My friend valued his son.  My friend rose each morning and did what he had to do because he understood the value of one life.  He woke up and did what he had to do in order to keep that one life living to his fullest potential. 

When I put my life in perspective my daily struggles seem so minor.  The inconveniences so small that challenge me.  I often think what if I didn't have a choice as to how I lived?  I don't have to rely on others for my everyday care.  I have limbs that work.  I am not confined by a wheelchair.  I can choose when to eat, what to eat.  Foods that will give me life or contribute to my mediocre state.  I need to give up my idealistic thinking that I will eventually get to a place where living is easy, pain-free, where it doesn't take work to exist.  I am blessed.  I am blessed when I wake up in the morning and I can lift my legs out of bed.  I am blessed when I am able to put a spoon to my mouth and chew.  I am blessed.  My friend was beyond blessed for seeing beauty in the everyday mundane tasks.  

We come with beautiful secrets

We come with purposes written on our hearts, written on our souls

We come to every new morning

With possibilities only we can hold, that only we can hold

Redemption comes in strange places, small spaces

Calling out the best of who we are

And I want to add to the beauty

To tell a better story

I want to shine with the light

That's burning up inside

It comes in small inspirations

It brings redemption to life and work

To our lives and our work

It comes in loving community

It comes in helping a soul find it's worth...

~Add to the Beauty by Sara Groves

   

$40,000 should cover it

Anyone, anyone, $40,000 to spare

The house across town is up for sale.

Covet, Lord, I can't pretend not to

though I'd have to give up my dream of a basement-

at least the kind that has no spiders

dropping their spun webs down from the beams surrounding your head
threatening to choke you as you power along your treadmill walk... 

There is a dining room with space big enough

to feed those who just might wander in,

stairs that lead to rooms where you can stand up tall,

gathering spots that give you room to breathe-

did I mention the kitchen?  

It's open and airy

and I'm certain something that resembles a dishwasher 

(that isn't named Andy, Caleb, Lily or Moriah).

With each passing day as the kids grow a head taller

I have to reign in my frustrations of how smaller

our house appears with each minute and hour.

The master bedroom that can't be off limits 

as it leads to the attic which houses our son

along with boxes of stuff I can't seem to part with.

7 years ago this house seemed so perfect,

now awaiting a miracle to beam me up out of here!

Venting, yes I am venting before I implode, 

before the memories assault me and my willpower gives out

and stuck here forever we will be,

in our tiny little house

filled to the brim with love-

though peering inside you will see a wife, who is also a mother

brewing over what might have been

with your simple investment of $40,000.